Restless Thinking

I Believe We Will Never Truly understand Life, Sleep, Nightmares or Dreams, and Death except that they are all One

Restless Thinking

I dare not close my eyes for I believe that if I do, each time I will be closer to never opening them again. I believe after so many times of closing one’s eyes, they run out of chances. I feel the heaviness of my eye lids wanting to close so desperately, but yet, I resist with all my strength as if I am a twelve year old boy trying to be grown and stay up all night watching television. My body feels as though I have drunk five red bulls three hours earlier, and now I am crashing. I refuse to give in to this temptation because it very well could be my last time. I sit and think while I squint at the wall and five minutes later it is there. I am in a realm between life, sleep, and death. How can I say that I am in a realm of life when I am no longer in control? How can I say that I have slipped into a realm of sleep without saying I am within a realm of death being that they are interchangeably similar? So, where am I? How has this come to be? Maybe this is a feeling we all receive without much thought, or am I the only soul that believes in such a concept? Maybe this is a distinction that will never be made to understand. I am left motionless on the bed with no control of dreams and nightmares. When I awake I wonder what death is. How does it feel? Does death consist of us being stripped from our body with all mental capacity remaining as if we were born with C.P. (cerebral palsy)? I sit with a blank face until I realize the similar characteristics of death, sleep, and dreams or nightmares. The temporary paralysis of sleep makes it obvious that the saying is true; sleep is the cousin of death.

When I sleep I sometimes feel the pains and horror from the nightmares that form in my mind. I believe these nightmares are glimpses of hell reaching out to take me. It feels so real, and it must be because I am unable to wake up. My nightmares feel as though poison is constantly flowing through my veins taking the life out of me every passing minute. Is this not what happens with death. When your friend is shot in the chest, is there first action not to drop to their knees because they are getting weak and experiencing an instant relief of life? When you burry a relative are their eyes not closed to symbolize their soul is at peace? So, in actuality when you are faced with your last sight of the world you do close your eyes tightly falling into an eternal sleep. In my past I have heard people describe my deep intense sleep as a peaceful one as though it were death. Why must I stay awake through these dreadful nighttime time hours? Although it is a rhetorical question, I answer to myself: who am I to say I will rise again and who am I to say my time has not expired. Is it because I love life so much or is it because I fear death so drastically? Maybe it’s the pain that constantly strikes me as if I am a piñata strung by my neck being beaten by twenty candy hungry thirteen and fourteen year olds.

As I rest with full consciousness I begin to think deeply. There is life, sleep, and death. Life is given to us only once, therefore the realm of life is reality. I believe sleep is between the realms of life and death. Death is simply a transition from life to sleep to an eternal rest which symbolizes the end. As I lie knowing that I am beginning to fall between the realms of life and death, I first notice that life, sleep, and death are all one in another. Each one is intertwining with the other.

I love the feeling of sleeping, but what inside of me prevents me for longing to rest my eyes and my body. It is that acquaintance I tend not to desire to reach but understand one day I will have no other choice. The relaxation and the easement of the mind is a feeling that is unexplainable. I have to ask myself, does this mean that I like death? Will I smile when I die and enjoy the feeling? Maybe I will be the happiest when I escape this dreadful world. Although the emotion of sleep is pleasant, I am unable to convince myself back to sleep to experience the unknown because the unknown may sweep across my body leaving me breathless. Three hours has passed by and I find myself again squinting at the wall trying to fight the sleep off once again but find that again like previously I am unsuccessful and again I lay motionless.

Unlike my previous acquaintance with sleep, this time I dream. I believe these dreams symbolize the opening of Heavens Gates with light blinding me, but I faithfully continue on not knowing what lies ahead. I feel incredible amounts of joy in my heart. As I lay there, my stress, the pain, and hard times have been lifted from me for this brief moment. As I am dreaming I do not know or understand or even see what is going on. Dreams to me seem more like a feeling that is temporary. It reminds me of something good that happens in life but the joy can only be with us for a certain amount of time no matter how enviously we try and embrace it before it passes to another. Nightmares seem as an eternity and dreams are a figment of our own imagination.

My eyes open after an hour of dream fulfilled sleeping. My body still feels the strain from the restless nights I tend to struggle with seven days a week, thirty days a month, and three hundred and sixty-five days a year all due to this undeveloped belief. The television is turned on. I pick up my books on stocks and real estate to educate myself while I am awake. The words begin to drag into scribble from my eyes being so tired. Should I give in to the pressure of sleep?

The cold breeze within my room relaxes my body. The sheets rubbing up against my body gives me the greatest sensation and security. My mind is released from the stressed held within from the idea of the deceasing time I have left. The soft fluffy feathery pillow pressed up against my face ends my thinking and closes my eyes. Am I sleeping or am I awake? For minutes I am confused. I come to the conclusion that I am not sleep, I can’t be. I am not dreaming and there are no nightmares. I try to move my arm but there is no response. I make several attempts to move my legs and lift my body from its resting area. Every attempt results in failure. I can not move. Imagine being in a full stray jacket body suit with your eye lids nailed shut. This is the feeling I was getting. My mind is fully operable but my body will not move. I want to cry I am so scared but tears will not even flow from my pupils. Is this the transition between sleep and death I have been talking about? Is my body slipping away from reality? I do not care which side I end up on. Rather it is life or death, I begin to pray that one side would win and it would all be over.

When I am released from whatever held me chained I feel hot as though my room is the Sahara dessert. The sweat is leaking from my pours. I am too scared to go to sleep. I sit and stare and make aware to myself, that sleep is not something I can participate in my life. When my eyes close my short time on this earth is being wasted and goals of success I have urged myself to accomplish are fading dim into the eternity of the world. Why do I feel the need to sleep anyways? In twenty to thirty years my life will be under pounds of rocks and dirt. When this time comes I will make up for the loss of sleep, but until then I will rest and walk the streets that never sleep with black bags hugging my eyes.